Heart broken...not!

As I write this, my eyes are still heavy and puffy due to crying. If I remember it right, the last time I cried this hard was when I got my heart broken. Today was different. I cried, not because I was hurt, but because I felt renewed and rejuvenated, and most of all because my heart was made whole... I, was made whole.

I still have problems, fears and worries, but as I received the Holy Spirit today, I allowed the Lord to take over my life. It was an amazing experience and at the same time, it was so humbling, refreshing, restorative and strengthening. I didn’t expect to be so emotional as I was prayed over by the people in my SFL-NY community. The moment my household leader mentioned that I was there to commit myself to the Lord, tears started to run down my face. I didn’t know why, but I claimed that it was the Holy Spirit working within me. I cried for a good 30 or 45 minutes, and while still praying on my own afterwards, I felt and realized that the tears are the hurts and pains I have kept in my heart all this time, and God is taking all of them away.

Truly, He gives us more than what we ask for, what we need, and what we deserve. I just wanted to be of service to Him, through my service in the community, as my way of giving back whatever blessings He has showered me with, and yet, He even gave me profits when I have just started!

Isn't that just awesome?! :j

Lost and found...Found and lost...

She was in oblivion, trying to find the perfect Valentines’ day card in a vast, not to mention, dizzying array of greeting cards on the rack, when a familiar song suddenly played in the background...

“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise
This world that I found is too good to be true…”

She has been constantly and repeatedly listening to that song in her iPod for weeks now, but still it never fails to make her heart leap whenever she hears it. It amazed her that of all the songs that could possibly be played, she would hear this particular song that very moment! This time, she smiled more than ever, with the thought that everything in the universe seems to conspire and tell her that things will happen her way…


“Let them say we’re (maybe she is!) crazy
I don’t care about that…


…And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing’s gonna stop us (or only her) now…”



Valentines’ day is still a month away but the love-struck gal is already planning to send a love note to the one she thinks is God’s gift to her. She just wants it to get to him just in time for the occasion, and being that the east, where he is, is thousands of miles away from the west, where she is, things have to be done way too advanced.


Okay...

The truth of the matter is that…she doesn’t know exactly where to send it. Mind you, she is not only love-struck as I initially described her... she is a hopeless romantic, love-struck individual who finds meaning in everything (and every song!), and believes that if it’s meant to be, love will always find its way…(when the clouds have no silver lining?!)…Did I just mention she finds meaning in every song?

No, she doesn’t know his exact address. She only knows the name of the company where he works for. So with the help of google search engine, she tried to search for the address of the company only to find out that the company has a lot of branch offices, not to mention project sites in that country where he is.

Uncertain of the address, but certain of her love for him, she mailed the card anyway. It didn’t make her feel more certain when she had to pay only 89cents at the post office.

“I’m sorry, did you say 89 cents? Are you sure? I’m sending it to the middle east. You know that, right?”, she asked the lady behind the window.


“Yes, 89 cents.”, she replied.

So with a lack of absolute certainty, she paid for it, dropped it in the mailbox and left. She was excited about it and never told the object of her affection because she wanted to surprise him.


Valentines’ day came...and passed, and she didn’t hear even a simple thank you from him. It’s not because he was ungrateful, nor indifferent, but, she just had to assume her love just “didn’t find its way.”

Weeks passed and she finally couldn’t help but ask him about it.

She was right. He never received anything. She didn’t want to think that they’re not meant to be, so she simply shrugged off the idea and continued to believe that soon, they’ll be together as planned.

Everything went fine as the weeks and months passed, until slowly, things started to change…no more everyday long distance calls...no more long emails... and weeks would even pass without a word from him.

Little by little, she felt things are falling apart, until one day, she just felt hat it was time for her to move on…the second time around.

No, there was no commitment between them, though it seemed there was. No strings attached, as they both say.

It was not a change of heart for any of them. She still loves him, but she had to let go because it was the right thing to do. And for him, it wasn’t actually a change of heart. He just had to go back to where his heart really was all these time. She believed he loved her, but maybe not the way she loved him, for he loves someone else more. Consequently, she tried to accept the truth, not because she wanted to, but because she had to, and decided to let go, without asking for any explanations. She did hope for the best, but was ready also to expect the worst from the very beginning.

Let go, before it hurts even more…her heart and mind told her.

And so she did.

They remained friends after all that has happened. He is more than happy and in love with someone else now, while she, though still hasn’t found someone, wakes up every morning feeling so blessed and still full of love in her heart. She finally realized that he was brought to her life again (after more than four years) for a reason. The reason was actually not to break her heart, but more of to make it whole once again. He helped her pick up the pieces of her broken heart and start anew, just when she needed it most.

She believes ex-lovers can’t be friends. They were never lovers...at least not officially. So they can still be friends. And they did stay as good friends, maybe not in love, but in God.

And the card? It wouldn’t be a story of a message in a bottle...of a love lost and found…because after almost 10 months, he finally received it.

No, she didn’t give it a new meaning anymore.

It was nothing but a story of a card lost, and found when the love was already lost.

What Jam wants, Jam doesn’t always get…

When I came here in the US on the 3rd of July of 2008, I didn’t know exactly what God’s plans for me are. I just knew it was His will for me to be here, that’s why I got a visa, and so I thought my own plans will work out the way I want them to.

But things didn’t come easy for me. I had to do odd jobS…I had to experience heartbreakS (yes, that’s plural too)...felt weak, unable and hopeless many times.

I always say that I get what I want. But here’s the exact truth: What Jam wants, Jam doesn't always get...

And I’ve learned why.

That is because, sometimes, my Father wants something better for me. It’s true that He never says no to me.* Actually, He simply wants what's best for me! So whenever I settle for something average, or when I resort to mediocrity due to lack of self-confidence, He always comes to the rescue. All these years in my life, I've learned, and continue to learn, that I can do anything and everything, with God who strengthens me. It took some time before I truly believed in myself. It took a lot of good talking and motivating from the people who love me, and believe in me, before I truly claimed that, in the words of a good friend of mine, I was born to excel!

For the past 2 years that I’ve been here, there’s so much to be thankful for. God hasn’t stopped blessing me, so I haven’t stopped counting the blessings either. Let me, again, continue counting.**

Since I set foot here, I went from…

…being jobless…to doing odd jobs…and now, to doing the work that I love most…and that is teaching!

…tourist visa…to student visa…to working visa…and soon, God-willingly, to immigrant visa!

…being a proud aunt for the first time (Leon)…for the second time (Franchesca a.k.a. Odany)…and in a few more months, for the third time (no name yet)! ;j

…being engaged…to being single…to being able to move on…to being in love again…to being hurt again…and to moving on again. At least I know that I can always get up after a fall.

Plus!

I am still able to help my family, no matter how meager my salary is. And, I am actually working on and looking forward to a lot of things, one of which is going back to school.

What a good year it was! :j

Yes, I don’t always get just what I want…

Because I always get more…pressed down, shaken together and running over! :) And I have a very generous Father to thank for all the blessings. :j



* http://jamhernandez.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-do-you-know-if-its-no.html
** http://jamhernandez.blogspot.com/2009/07/big-1.html

A Big Heart for Sc**t

I have long been thinking of a title for something that I wanted to write about for quite sometime now. However, just because I couldn’t think of a way to finish my title, I also couldn’t start writing anything about it. I couldn’t organize my thoughts and couldn’t find the urge to actually put them in writing. Little did I know, that the person (I mean the little person) whom I wanted to write about is just the answer that I was looking for…Perfect!

That's Sc**t.

Nobody loves him...(it seems in school that is...)

But me.

He came to my class in January of this year. The teacher of the other class has been trying to get rid of him for the longest time and my assistant even warned me about him, and begged not to take him.

Still, I did.

A week or two has just passed since he came to my room, and he was already in danger of going back to his previous group because according to my directress, he wasn’t ready to be in my class, emotionally. He knows his stuff and is even better than those who are already in my class since the school year started. His academic ability wasn’t a problem. His behavior was. As expected, his parents were called in for a meeting and lo and behold, they are even worse of a problem than Sc**t was. Long story short, they were in denial and to a certain extent, blamed us all (yes, no one in the school was spared) for their son’s behavior.

The week after, Sc**t was absent. And when he came back, it was as if he was a different kid, at least for me. I don’t know what it was, but I saw something good in him that made me love him in an instant. He actually isn’t a brat (because that, I can’t stand yet!). I can’t really tell specifically, but somehow, I see his desire to be loved by everyone, and that he just needs someone’s loving and caring attention, and he’d obey.

My assistant still can’t stand him, but I’d trade him for no one in my class. I’m not playing favorites, but among those problem kids in my class, he’s my baby. And whenever I say this, my co-workers would either make a face or look perplexed, as if saying, “Are you out of your mind, Ms. Jam?!” And my assistant? Oh, she's disgusted (and at the same time, thankful because I said I’ll take charge of Sc**t).

I know Sc**t wouldn’t understand, but through my actions and the way I deal with him, I always say thank you. More than anything else, I thank Sc**t (and the others too, who are just like him) for giving me a lot of reasons to love this profession…for giving me another sense of fulfillment…and for making me feel that I am really cut to be an educator.

Now, I need to get back to working on my lesson plan. I’m only halfway done and it needs to be submitted tomorrow. But I worry not, because tomorrow doesn’t only mean work…it also means another day to spend with my students...another day of being a “mother”…and another opportunity for me to open my heart, not only for Sc**t, but yeah, hopefully even for those tiny little brats.

A big heart for the brat? Why not?


(written: March 21,2010)

Just speak straight from the heart...

One of the things that I fear doing most is giving a speech in front of many people. I can talk the whole day in front of the kids and do silly things with them, oblivious to whoever is watching. But to speak on stage to an adult audience...oh please! I abhor it! I know it’s ironic because I’m a teacher. I remember telling my coordinator back when I was still teaching in the Philippines, when asked to emcee for a school event, that I’d rather sing or dance, than speak on stage, in front of many people.

So I guess you wouldn’t be surprised that it scared the hell out of me (pardon the choice of words!), when I was asked to give a speech today, being the head teacher of the graduating students of our school. Oh, and as if giving speech itself is not nerve-wracking enough for me, I was just informed about it, like, two hours before we were supposed to be at the venue! All I could mutter was, darn it!

And so left without a choice, I immediately grabbed a pen and a scratch paper, and started writing. Had I been informed earlier, I would have at least googled sample speeches, just to get an idea of what I should tell the graduates, the other students, and all their parents. Because FYI, I was one of those who weren’t listening when speeches were delivered during my elementary, high school and college graduations. And so in-between lunch and dressing up for the occasion, I tried my best to look back to the months that have passed, and see whether there is something worth-mentioning. I’m kidding! Of course there’s a lot to say! It’s just that I can’t think properly when I’m nervous, with knees trembling, heart pounding and stomach aching (for sure you know the feeling!).

Hours passed just like that, and I was able to finish writing. I am just glad that despite the sweat in every corner of my body, and nervousness consuming me, I didn’t pass out on stage. Actually, what made me feel really good up there was the sight of parents applauding, smiling and crying. All those washed away my fears and anxieties that very moment. Let me share with you, my dear friends, the first ever speech I delivered as the head teacher of the graduating students of 2010.


***

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Today marks a new beginning for the graduating students of 2010 of Rainbow Kiddie Academy.

I can say that it has been a very fulfilling year, not only for the kids, but most of all, for us teachers too, especially for me. Looking back, to be honest with you, when I first stepped into the classroom, I was really really excited, but at the same time, really really nervous also of what these seemingly innocent little kids could do to me. True enough, every single day in the classroom is a new experience for me and my fellow teachers. There had been good and bad days, and the in-betweens, but what keeps me loving my work and what makes me look forward to going to work each day also, are the valuable lessons that I will learn from MY kids...OUR kids. Yes, I’m sorry parents, but they’re mine, Ms. Carmen’s and Ms. Ana’s, 8-6pm, Mondays thru Fridays. They’re OUR babies.

These kids really are smart and full of potentials. It is our duty now, teachers and parents, to help unlock those potentials and help them be productive and responsible, not only as children, but most of all, productive and responsible citizens of this country. They may be just kids and they may be learning what we think are just simple things such as tying their shoe laces, holding a pencil or going potty on their own, but all these are essential in their development.

Indeed, it wasn’t an easy work for all of us, including you, parents. But I am very very proud to say that I have been a witness...I have seen great improvements in all of these kids. No matter how challenging and hard it was to deal with all of them all at once, seeing them learn and change for the better bring so much fulfillment already. And for sure, you parents are even prouder than I already am. So today, I give out this invitation to everyone...Let’s continue to work together for the cause of these children.

Once again, congratulations to the future of this country, the graduating students of 2010. God bless you all in all your endeavors.

***


For some reasons, I felt good after I delivered my speech. It felt even better to be told by the parents afterwards, that with what I said, I made the school look beautiful in their eyes. And it brought me to high heavens to hear that it’s us, teachers, who make them want to enroll their kids again next school year (if not for the tuition fee which is too much for them). Well, it doesn’t matter anymore if they’re just trying to cajole or sweet-talk me into giving their kids more awards next time. What matters most is that, I was able to tell them what I really feel. My co-teacher even asked me if I really meant it when I said I look forward to going to work each day. Of course I do! Weird as it may seem, but I really do.

Come to think of it, had I been told earlier that I’ll be giving a speech, I would have borrowed other people’s words, just to make it formal and pleasing to my listeners’ ears. But truly, there’s really nothing even better than to speak from the heart. I’m just glad I did. But next time, I’d appreciate it, I guess, if I would be told in advance. Better yet, I’d really appreciate it, and I’d be fine, if I wouldn’t be asked anymore to do any talking.




Ms. Jam
Head Teacher
Rainbow Kiddie Academy
Yellow Room
S.Y. 2009-2010