Ms. Jam got swag!

I am a teacher but in one way or another, I think I am cool!

A co-worker of mine was thinking of songs to download in her phone and so she asked me to mention one by one the singers I have in my own playlist just so she gets an idea. I was surprised when she, together with another co-worker, started laughing when I mentioned Ja Rule, Nelly, Flo Rida, Pit Bull and LMFA,O and all the other rap and hip hop songs and artists in my playlist.

"Ms. Jam, is it Nelly or Nelly Furtado?" she asked with a smirk.

"Nelly...", I confirmed by playing "Hot in Here".

They couldn't believe their ears and they couldn't stop laughing. I still have a picture in my mind of their reactions - eyes and mouth, wide open!

"Ooooh snap Ms. Jam! I didn't know you listen to those kinds of songs! " the other one commented.

"Why not?!" I asked.

"It's just that we never imagined you listening to that kind of music. I imagine you more singing Kumbaya Kumbaya...," she replied with a laugh.

"And Ja Rule?! Ohhhh you have a Black in you Ms. Jam!"

That was funny. :-) I guess a lot of people just don't know me that well, maybe because I just don't easily open up to everyone. One has to get to know me well to know the real me.

Oh yes, I do party (not a lot though). I dance. I love music. I might seem quiet and simple but I am not that naive. ;-j I am not boring either! I can count with my fingers the times I've been to bars and clubs (and I still sometimes refer to them as discos...how old school!) but the few times I went, I easily did adapt. And I did have fun. In fact, I've always danced the night away, mind you, even in 3-inch stilettos!

I am a preschool teacher...I enjoy being with kids. I don't have much of a social life nor a love life at the moment...But don't underestimate me...coz guess what?!...

Ms. Jam got SWAG...

Yes...only Something We Asians Got!Lol

Now I'm wondering...how do people perceive me?

How do you?

Rest assured you're loved unconditionally...

Disappointment filled me as I sip my free coffee while waiting at the car service center's comfortable waiting area. I had to spend a few hundreds of dollars for our car's break pads, which had to be replaced immediately. And this had to happen at this time, when I am almost broke. Then again, I don't have any choice because it's for our safety.

In my five hours of waiting, I was able to accomplish a lot. I was ready for the long wait so I brought my big bag full of my stuff. Thank God I was able to recover the files from my computer that just crashed, which allowed me to continue working on some stuff that I need to finish, most important of which is my lesson plan for the next school year. Thank God also there was wifi connection and so I was able to do my research. I couldn't help but still think of the money I had to spend for the car, as well as future expenses, while doing my work. I do a lot of multi-tasking so my mind does the same, I guess.

It didn't take me long before I came across this website that has exactly what I was looking for. I was overwhelmed with the great deal of information that I could use for the lessons that I am preparing. So for a while, I forgot about my disappointment. As if I have discovered a gold mine, my eyes were glistening and my lips were smiling as I eagerly pressed the keys of the laptop (which, by the way, I just borrowed from my mom). I easily found just what I needed.

A couple of hours after, I heard my name being called. The guy told me that everything's good with the car and I'm ready to go. Before I turned my laptop off, I checked to bookmark the "gold mine" website that I found. To my surprise, the name of the site was abcjesuslovesme!

I put all my stuff away, stood up and went directly to the cashier window to pay.

I got to the service center full of disappointment, but I left simply with a smile and a thankful heart. He just never fails to amaze me...to surprise me...and to reassure me in ways unimaginable, that He loves me without a limit...every.single.day.

Love, just as the Father has loved us...

Just love unconditionally.

Worrywart...Worry Not!

It always happens. I worry too much about something and the problem is resolved without any effort. I don't do anything but the problem goes away just like that. And up to now, it still amazes me whenever this happens.

As most people know, I am such a worrier. I fret about almost anything. Just last Saturday, I almost didn't want to drive anymore while in the middle of a highway because I was so stressed out that we seemed like to be just driving and driving, not knowing where to go and my sister was already late for her exam. She was like, "stop it! I'm not even worried. Just drive. " That's just me. I hate being late. There are times I'd worry about the littlest things because I want everything to be the way I want them to. I even have a hard time delegating tasks and I'd rather do things myself because people have disappointed me in the past.

Yesterday, I messed up the Internet connection at work and it almost didn't make me sleep. To my surprise, everything was fine in the morning. Just like that. My assistant told me, "Ms.Jam, why do you have to be stressed out? All you gotta do is call a technician from the internet provider company and they don't even charge you for that." Yeah, I know. But still, I couldn't help but worry.

Then again, worrying doesn't do anything... Not a thing! It just stresses me out and consumes all my energy. When will I ever get that? Actually, I know that already. But I don't know why I still get anxious a lot. Well, I'm already trying not to! I can actually say that I worry less now, for real!

Thank goodness Someone up there does not give up on me. He just let's me be. When I worry, He's the only one I run to. I probably make Him feel special when I call Him for help. I am the type who won't burden other people with my own problems. People actually think that I am so strong that I can do anything. Little do they know that this warrior is a child. It just so happened that my Ultimate Saviour can conquer anything and everything. I call to Him for help for everything. I pray for a parking space...for sunshine...for a green light when I am running late. I pray for finances...for strength...for guidance and wisdom...literally for everything, even the impossible things. I always do, because, it's tried and tested...He answers. He does it without delay. When I call for help, there's never a weak signal...no busy tones...no network problems. He's available, 24/7. And when it isn't the proper time yet, He even blesses me with bonus patience for me to make it through the waiting time.  Who could ever beat that!

With a working visa to renew and an expensive lawyer's fee to pay, the fall semester to enroll to, and tons of other plans for the coming months that require finances, (which I don't have much), sure, I have every reason to worry. But I have more reasons not to, simply because I have a very wealthy, not to mention generous Father, who provides whatever I want and whatever I need, all according to His will.

Truly, we all have a bigger God...bigger than anything we try to overcome. So tonight, as I go to sleep...I'll turn over all my worries to Him. He'll be up all night anyway!:-j




"Don't keep worrying about having something to eat or drink. Only people who don't know God are always worrying about such things. Your Father knows what you need. "(LUKE 12:29, 30 CEV)

I’ll Brag This Time

While changing her pull-ups, 3-year old Sofia suddenly exclaimed in her unintelligible speech, “Mish Jam, ich ameyshing!” What’s amazing? I asked. Once again she said, “Ich ameyshing!” then ran back to the classroom. I just smiled and followed her. Maybe it’s just one of those new words that she just heard again. She just loves repeating whatever she hears.

But Sofia’s right. She just described this day for me. It is truly amazing. Everything that happened today is amazing. Most of all, God is. The way He answers my prayers is just unbelievable.

My executive directress has asked me yesterday to meet with her after work today at the other site. For whatever reason, I didn’t know. But I thought to myself, this is it. I am going to submit the letter that I finished writing just the previous day…a letter of request for a pay raise. I have been contemplating for a while now whether I should ask for it or not. I think that I deserve it, and I felt the need to demand for it since they tend to forget things at times. The somehow gutless that I am, I printed out the letter and told myself that I need to do it today. I have been praying for the right time to do it and I was just presented a perfect opportunity to talk to my directress. On my way to work this morning, I actually prayed to God that hopefully, I will be given a salary increase today, (for some reasons I assumed that’s the agenda of the meeting) and if not, I asked God instead to give me the courage to submit my letter, and discuss it with her in a Christ-like way.

Long story short, to my amazement, I was given a pay raise today! It’s not that much, but hey…an increase is an increase. Big or small, I am thankful for blessings! I didn’t have to submit the letter to my directress. I didn’t have to say a word. I didn’t even have to sell myself and prove to her why I deserve a raise. My Father did all the talking. Talk about having the best spokesperson in the entire world!

Why did I write about this? Simply because I want to brag. No, not about my salary (because believe me, it is definitely not a lot). But I just want to brag about how good the Lord has been to me. I just want to share this good news to everyone! He does answer prayers. Fast. Really. He may not answer it at times exactly the way we want things to turn out, but He always gives what’s best for us. We just have to trust Him.

I don’t have material riches that I can brag about. There are still things that I want to have and dreams that are yet to come true. But I have been and continuously blessed, and I know there’s more to come. I feel it. I claim it! And this is all because of my Father who is so good… and I am just deeply proud of Him. Are you?



“Count the little miracles you receive daily, and proclaim it! You may just help change someone’s life.” - Nova Arias (Didache)

Fallin'

It hurts, still.

Especially when there’s no one to catch you when you fall...

When it leaves wounds that you know will take time to heal...

When there’s no one to blame but yourself...

But what’s good with it is that, every fall reminds me that I can always get up afterwards, no matter how bad it may seem. I’ve always been good at it actually...And I do it fast…really fast! No dwelling too much on the pain, not much shedding of tears. I just stand up again and walk forward, without looking back.

Yes, call me stupid but I fell again... got wounded one more time... and no one was there to catch me. As always, I stood up quickly, and just continued walking...as if nothing happened. I didn’t even bother looking back.

It took a while after I became aware of the damage it caused…

My pants, as well as my underpants (warmer), got ripped at the knees. Then I realized, my knee was bleeding too.

Yes...this morning, on my way to work, a block away from our house... for the third time since I got here in NY, I slipped and fell again! This time, on snow and ice. Funny as it may seem, but the three spots where I had fallen were just a couple of steps away from each other. Never learned my lesson huh?!

Is it trying to tell me something?

Should I change the way I walk? Try another route? Buy another pair of shoes?

Or better yet, should I just look for someone who will be there to catch me the next time I fall?

Whatever it is, as always, I still am ready for the next fall...either to get up on my feet again, or to fall so deep, because I am certain, Someone up there is going to catch me, no matter what happens. ;j

Heart broken...not!

As I write this, my eyes are still heavy and puffy due to crying. If I remember it right, the last time I cried this hard was when I got my heart broken. Today was different. I cried, not because I was hurt, but because I felt renewed and rejuvenated, and most of all because my heart was made whole... I, was made whole.

I still have problems, fears and worries, but as I received the Holy Spirit today, I allowed the Lord to take over my life. It was an amazing experience and at the same time, it was so humbling, refreshing, restorative and strengthening. I didn’t expect to be so emotional as I was prayed over by the people in my SFL-NY community. The moment my household leader mentioned that I was there to commit myself to the Lord, tears started to run down my face. I didn’t know why, but I claimed that it was the Holy Spirit working within me. I cried for a good 30 or 45 minutes, and while still praying on my own afterwards, I felt and realized that the tears are the hurts and pains I have kept in my heart all this time, and God is taking all of them away.

Truly, He gives us more than what we ask for, what we need, and what we deserve. I just wanted to be of service to Him, through my service in the community, as my way of giving back whatever blessings He has showered me with, and yet, He even gave me profits when I have just started!

Isn't that just awesome?! :j

Lost and found...Found and lost...

She was in oblivion, trying to find the perfect Valentines’ day card in a vast, not to mention, dizzying array of greeting cards on the rack, when a familiar song suddenly played in the background...

“Looking in your eyes I see a paradise
This world that I found is too good to be true…”

She has been constantly and repeatedly listening to that song in her iPod for weeks now, but still it never fails to make her heart leap whenever she hears it. It amazed her that of all the songs that could possibly be played, she would hear this particular song that very moment! This time, she smiled more than ever, with the thought that everything in the universe seems to conspire and tell her that things will happen her way…


“Let them say we’re (maybe she is!) crazy
I don’t care about that…


…And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing’s gonna stop us (or only her) now…”



Valentines’ day is still a month away but the love-struck gal is already planning to send a love note to the one she thinks is God’s gift to her. She just wants it to get to him just in time for the occasion, and being that the east, where he is, is thousands of miles away from the west, where she is, things have to be done way too advanced.


Okay...

The truth of the matter is that…she doesn’t know exactly where to send it. Mind you, she is not only love-struck as I initially described her... she is a hopeless romantic, love-struck individual who finds meaning in everything (and every song!), and believes that if it’s meant to be, love will always find its way…(when the clouds have no silver lining?!)…Did I just mention she finds meaning in every song?

No, she doesn’t know his exact address. She only knows the name of the company where he works for. So with the help of google search engine, she tried to search for the address of the company only to find out that the company has a lot of branch offices, not to mention project sites in that country where he is.

Uncertain of the address, but certain of her love for him, she mailed the card anyway. It didn’t make her feel more certain when she had to pay only 89cents at the post office.

“I’m sorry, did you say 89 cents? Are you sure? I’m sending it to the middle east. You know that, right?”, she asked the lady behind the window.


“Yes, 89 cents.”, she replied.

So with a lack of absolute certainty, she paid for it, dropped it in the mailbox and left. She was excited about it and never told the object of her affection because she wanted to surprise him.


Valentines’ day came...and passed, and she didn’t hear even a simple thank you from him. It’s not because he was ungrateful, nor indifferent, but, she just had to assume her love just “didn’t find its way.”

Weeks passed and she finally couldn’t help but ask him about it.

She was right. He never received anything. She didn’t want to think that they’re not meant to be, so she simply shrugged off the idea and continued to believe that soon, they’ll be together as planned.

Everything went fine as the weeks and months passed, until slowly, things started to change…no more everyday long distance calls...no more long emails... and weeks would even pass without a word from him.

Little by little, she felt things are falling apart, until one day, she just felt hat it was time for her to move on…the second time around.

No, there was no commitment between them, though it seemed there was. No strings attached, as they both say.

It was not a change of heart for any of them. She still loves him, but she had to let go because it was the right thing to do. And for him, it wasn’t actually a change of heart. He just had to go back to where his heart really was all these time. She believed he loved her, but maybe not the way she loved him, for he loves someone else more. Consequently, she tried to accept the truth, not because she wanted to, but because she had to, and decided to let go, without asking for any explanations. She did hope for the best, but was ready also to expect the worst from the very beginning.

Let go, before it hurts even more…her heart and mind told her.

And so she did.

They remained friends after all that has happened. He is more than happy and in love with someone else now, while she, though still hasn’t found someone, wakes up every morning feeling so blessed and still full of love in her heart. She finally realized that he was brought to her life again (after more than four years) for a reason. The reason was actually not to break her heart, but more of to make it whole once again. He helped her pick up the pieces of her broken heart and start anew, just when she needed it most.

She believes ex-lovers can’t be friends. They were never lovers...at least not officially. So they can still be friends. And they did stay as good friends, maybe not in love, but in God.

And the card? It wouldn’t be a story of a message in a bottle...of a love lost and found…because after almost 10 months, he finally received it.

No, she didn’t give it a new meaning anymore.

It was nothing but a story of a card lost, and found when the love was already lost.

What Jam wants, Jam doesn’t always get…

When I came here in the US on the 3rd of July of 2008, I didn’t know exactly what God’s plans for me are. I just knew it was His will for me to be here, that’s why I got a visa, and so I thought my own plans will work out the way I want them to.

But things didn’t come easy for me. I had to do odd jobS…I had to experience heartbreakS (yes, that’s plural too)...felt weak, unable and hopeless many times.

I always say that I get what I want. But here’s the exact truth: What Jam wants, Jam doesn't always get...

And I’ve learned why.

That is because, sometimes, my Father wants something better for me. It’s true that He never says no to me.* Actually, He simply wants what's best for me! So whenever I settle for something average, or when I resort to mediocrity due to lack of self-confidence, He always comes to the rescue. All these years in my life, I've learned, and continue to learn, that I can do anything and everything, with God who strengthens me. It took some time before I truly believed in myself. It took a lot of good talking and motivating from the people who love me, and believe in me, before I truly claimed that, in the words of a good friend of mine, I was born to excel!

For the past 2 years that I’ve been here, there’s so much to be thankful for. God hasn’t stopped blessing me, so I haven’t stopped counting the blessings either. Let me, again, continue counting.**

Since I set foot here, I went from…

…being jobless…to doing odd jobs…and now, to doing the work that I love most…and that is teaching!

…tourist visa…to student visa…to working visa…and soon, God-willingly, to immigrant visa!

…being a proud aunt for the first time (Leon)…for the second time (Franchesca a.k.a. Odany)…and in a few more months, for the third time (no name yet)! ;j

…being engaged…to being single…to being able to move on…to being in love again…to being hurt again…and to moving on again. At least I know that I can always get up after a fall.

Plus!

I am still able to help my family, no matter how meager my salary is. And, I am actually working on and looking forward to a lot of things, one of which is going back to school.

What a good year it was! :j

Yes, I don’t always get just what I want…

Because I always get more…pressed down, shaken together and running over! :) And I have a very generous Father to thank for all the blessings. :j



* http://jamhernandez.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-do-you-know-if-its-no.html
** http://jamhernandez.blogspot.com/2009/07/big-1.html

A Big Heart for Sc**t

I have long been thinking of a title for something that I wanted to write about for quite sometime now. However, just because I couldn’t think of a way to finish my title, I also couldn’t start writing anything about it. I couldn’t organize my thoughts and couldn’t find the urge to actually put them in writing. Little did I know, that the person (I mean the little person) whom I wanted to write about is just the answer that I was looking for…Perfect!

That's Sc**t.

Nobody loves him...(it seems in school that is...)

But me.

He came to my class in January of this year. The teacher of the other class has been trying to get rid of him for the longest time and my assistant even warned me about him, and begged not to take him.

Still, I did.

A week or two has just passed since he came to my room, and he was already in danger of going back to his previous group because according to my directress, he wasn’t ready to be in my class, emotionally. He knows his stuff and is even better than those who are already in my class since the school year started. His academic ability wasn’t a problem. His behavior was. As expected, his parents were called in for a meeting and lo and behold, they are even worse of a problem than Sc**t was. Long story short, they were in denial and to a certain extent, blamed us all (yes, no one in the school was spared) for their son’s behavior.

The week after, Sc**t was absent. And when he came back, it was as if he was a different kid, at least for me. I don’t know what it was, but I saw something good in him that made me love him in an instant. He actually isn’t a brat (because that, I can’t stand yet!). I can’t really tell specifically, but somehow, I see his desire to be loved by everyone, and that he just needs someone’s loving and caring attention, and he’d obey.

My assistant still can’t stand him, but I’d trade him for no one in my class. I’m not playing favorites, but among those problem kids in my class, he’s my baby. And whenever I say this, my co-workers would either make a face or look perplexed, as if saying, “Are you out of your mind, Ms. Jam?!” And my assistant? Oh, she's disgusted (and at the same time, thankful because I said I’ll take charge of Sc**t).

I know Sc**t wouldn’t understand, but through my actions and the way I deal with him, I always say thank you. More than anything else, I thank Sc**t (and the others too, who are just like him) for giving me a lot of reasons to love this profession…for giving me another sense of fulfillment…and for making me feel that I am really cut to be an educator.

Now, I need to get back to working on my lesson plan. I’m only halfway done and it needs to be submitted tomorrow. But I worry not, because tomorrow doesn’t only mean work…it also means another day to spend with my students...another day of being a “mother”…and another opportunity for me to open my heart, not only for Sc**t, but yeah, hopefully even for those tiny little brats.

A big heart for the brat? Why not?


(written: March 21,2010)

Just speak straight from the heart...

One of the things that I fear doing most is giving a speech in front of many people. I can talk the whole day in front of the kids and do silly things with them, oblivious to whoever is watching. But to speak on stage to an adult audience...oh please! I abhor it! I know it’s ironic because I’m a teacher. I remember telling my coordinator back when I was still teaching in the Philippines, when asked to emcee for a school event, that I’d rather sing or dance, than speak on stage, in front of many people.

So I guess you wouldn’t be surprised that it scared the hell out of me (pardon the choice of words!), when I was asked to give a speech today, being the head teacher of the graduating students of our school. Oh, and as if giving speech itself is not nerve-wracking enough for me, I was just informed about it, like, two hours before we were supposed to be at the venue! All I could mutter was, darn it!

And so left without a choice, I immediately grabbed a pen and a scratch paper, and started writing. Had I been informed earlier, I would have at least googled sample speeches, just to get an idea of what I should tell the graduates, the other students, and all their parents. Because FYI, I was one of those who weren’t listening when speeches were delivered during my elementary, high school and college graduations. And so in-between lunch and dressing up for the occasion, I tried my best to look back to the months that have passed, and see whether there is something worth-mentioning. I’m kidding! Of course there’s a lot to say! It’s just that I can’t think properly when I’m nervous, with knees trembling, heart pounding and stomach aching (for sure you know the feeling!).

Hours passed just like that, and I was able to finish writing. I am just glad that despite the sweat in every corner of my body, and nervousness consuming me, I didn’t pass out on stage. Actually, what made me feel really good up there was the sight of parents applauding, smiling and crying. All those washed away my fears and anxieties that very moment. Let me share with you, my dear friends, the first ever speech I delivered as the head teacher of the graduating students of 2010.


***

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Today marks a new beginning for the graduating students of 2010 of Rainbow Kiddie Academy.

I can say that it has been a very fulfilling year, not only for the kids, but most of all, for us teachers too, especially for me. Looking back, to be honest with you, when I first stepped into the classroom, I was really really excited, but at the same time, really really nervous also of what these seemingly innocent little kids could do to me. True enough, every single day in the classroom is a new experience for me and my fellow teachers. There had been good and bad days, and the in-betweens, but what keeps me loving my work and what makes me look forward to going to work each day also, are the valuable lessons that I will learn from MY kids...OUR kids. Yes, I’m sorry parents, but they’re mine, Ms. Carmen’s and Ms. Ana’s, 8-6pm, Mondays thru Fridays. They’re OUR babies.

These kids really are smart and full of potentials. It is our duty now, teachers and parents, to help unlock those potentials and help them be productive and responsible, not only as children, but most of all, productive and responsible citizens of this country. They may be just kids and they may be learning what we think are just simple things such as tying their shoe laces, holding a pencil or going potty on their own, but all these are essential in their development.

Indeed, it wasn’t an easy work for all of us, including you, parents. But I am very very proud to say that I have been a witness...I have seen great improvements in all of these kids. No matter how challenging and hard it was to deal with all of them all at once, seeing them learn and change for the better bring so much fulfillment already. And for sure, you parents are even prouder than I already am. So today, I give out this invitation to everyone...Let’s continue to work together for the cause of these children.

Once again, congratulations to the future of this country, the graduating students of 2010. God bless you all in all your endeavors.

***


For some reasons, I felt good after I delivered my speech. It felt even better to be told by the parents afterwards, that with what I said, I made the school look beautiful in their eyes. And it brought me to high heavens to hear that it’s us, teachers, who make them want to enroll their kids again next school year (if not for the tuition fee which is too much for them). Well, it doesn’t matter anymore if they’re just trying to cajole or sweet-talk me into giving their kids more awards next time. What matters most is that, I was able to tell them what I really feel. My co-teacher even asked me if I really meant it when I said I look forward to going to work each day. Of course I do! Weird as it may seem, but I really do.

Come to think of it, had I been told earlier that I’ll be giving a speech, I would have borrowed other people’s words, just to make it formal and pleasing to my listeners’ ears. But truly, there’s really nothing even better than to speak from the heart. I’m just glad I did. But next time, I’d appreciate it, I guess, if I would be told in advance. Better yet, I’d really appreciate it, and I’d be fine, if I wouldn’t be asked anymore to do any talking.




Ms. Jam
Head Teacher
Rainbow Kiddie Academy
Yellow Room
S.Y. 2009-2010

How do you know if it's a "NO"?

I pray to God for anything and everything. Simple or complicated, I know God doesn’t mind. He wants it better when we run to Him for help and for comfort.

Sometimes, some of the things that happen in our life are contrary to what we’ve been praying for. When things don’t turn out the way we want them to, should we still be persistent in prayer? When and how do we know if God is already saying... “NO...NO...NO”?

Today’s reading says that we, adults, are no longer like kids, who are very pushy when they want to get something. Kids are indeed very persistent. My students would repeatedly and ceaselessly ask me for lots and lots of things (sometimes, every second –seriously! just to get what they want!)... Ms. Jam, can I go play again? Ms. Jam, can we go to the park? Ms. Jam, can I have more cookies? Ms. Jam, can I do this? Ms. Jam, can I do that? Ms. Jam...Ms. Jam...Ms.Jam!

Sometimes, they get me to concede. I give in because they just won’t stop...

Is God like that? Would He eventually concede if I insist on getting what I want?

To quote Bo Sanchez: "The universe adjusts to your expectations. If you expect nothing, you get nothing. Ask. Not for a bit. Not for a little. Ask for a double portion!"

That’s why I haven’t given up on my prayers. That’s why I haven’t truly let go of some of the things in my life right now. That’s why I continue to hope, to plan, to aspire, to dream, and to love. It is because I know that God is always listening. He never says "no" to me… He simply answers my prayers in a way that’s best for me.

The year that was…

Just as I was busy working on my lesson plan, memories of the year that was, kept flashing in my mind. And just as I was trying my very best to start anew with my life, people and things are just there to take me back to the year that has gone by.

It was a good thing that there’s also always something there to remind me that there is a tomorrow to look forward to…

“As the New Year approaches, there will be questions and challenges that will confront us. Many times we won’t know the exact result but uncertainty should not stop us from following the Lord. After all, He’s the One who can see how all things will end”…

These were lines from today’s reading which sums up the way we all should think as the year comes to a close. It very well reminds me that I have been blessed and will continuously be, in the years to come.

The past year has been so beautiful that I could not complain about the hurts that I’ve felt and the pains that I’ve gone through along the way. With complete faith and trust in Him, I am assured all things will end beautifully.

A blessed 2010 to everyone…

What I'd Do for Love

Wait...fall in...fall out of...look for...

We do all these for love. I…have done all these for love.

Isn't it tiring? I say it’s not. No matter how painful the last heartbreak is, we still continuously yearn for love. And honestly, I do. Who doesn't? I guess only those who already found it.

The last one I had, which was my first heartbreak too, was both easy and hard for me to handle. The distance in between and the time that has passed somehow made everything easier for me to come to grips with, but difficult, because of the questions that are left, and will remain unanswered.

No, I am not afraid to fall in love the second time around. I still haven't lost heart, coz if I do, I don't think I would still listen to hopeless romantic love songs, nor would I get twitterpated when I watch Pinoy teleseryes. I, in fact, miss the feeling of being in love. Whenever I see couples around, I would sometimes feel the need for someone to have and to hold. And how I long for a family of my own whenever I see what delight my nephew brings to everyone.

No, I don't feel desperate or hopeless yet (sa ganda kong 'to?!.....KIDDING!!!!) It's just probably one of those days when you're 28, and single, that you feel the clock ticking. It also doesn't help when friends and acquaintances get married or give birth left and right. Then again, this doesn't bother me a lot. As I said, it's just one of those days. I usually get through this state of "craziness", as my friend calls it, in a day or two.

I still want to do a lot of things in my life, like go back to school to finish my master's degree, put up my own school, buy my own house, and continue helping the family. The list could go on and on and on...but I should slow down, stop, and think once in a while; otherwise, I might let the opportunity for love pass without even noticing it because I was too busy achieving my goals.

Right now, I'm waiting, and at the same time looking for the right one. I waited 23 years before I finally opened my heart to someone for the first time. I guess it wouldn't hurt if I wait again, not for another 23 years (oh please!), but a little…well actually, a lot shorter, I pray! :j

Just What I Wanted

Until now I still get a lot of realizations in terms of my chosen profession. It's as if my love for my work and happiness that I feel right now are not enough, I'm still constantly presented with a lot of reasons that keep my passion for teaching burning. Sometimes, (well,fine...most of the time!) I find myself exuberant whenever I talk about my work and experiences in my own little world..my classroom...just like now...!

My most recent realization was how teaching fulfills all my childhood dream jobs in certain ways. I guess in this profession, I can be everything I want. Wonderin' how's that possible?

For one, I used to dream of being on those pencil-cut skirt, blouse, blazer and scarf, pulling my own little luggage, walking past the passengers who are lined up to board the aircraft. But why be away from family for a flight duty when I can be the flight attendant in my own classroom...or even be the pilot! I am also up on my feet the whole day, developing the same amount of varicose veins as I would 30,000 ft up in the air, just so I can attend to all the needs of my passengers - my students. I used to do this with full make up on (because we were required to) while donning 3-inch stiletto heels. But I’d rather be on flats now just to save myself from more leg pains, which, by the way, I am already experiencing at my "young" age!

And who needs 4 grueling years in the university just to learn how to keep track of financial accounts? Definitely not me! In the first place, with my meager salary, there's not much accounting to do. But seriously, I once proved that I can be an accountant and do simple accounting when I had to handle all the financial aspects of my now defunct tutorial service business. No, it didn't close because of my poor accounting skills. It was because I went here in the US (to live the so-called American dream.) Then again, I can still practice my math skills in teaching when I compute grades! And yes, I do teach math...kindergarten math that is. I love math! But I was just not trained to teach it. So better leave it to the experts. What do you expect? I only had one math subject in my entire 4 years in the university.

Then comes my biggest frustration of all...to be a singer! Yes, I once dreamed of performing on stage belting out Celine Dion hits (just kidding! coz that is way too ambitious of me!) But yeah, seriously, I had my fair share of hilarious stories on how far I went just so I could pursue a career in singing - from voice workshops, band auditions to almost competing with Sarah Geronimo on stage(of course I’m kidding again because I never even made it to the elimination week for I was not fortunate enough to be chosen as one of the four from among those who passed the 2-day audition...but at least I passed!hehe) Anyway, going back, I now know why God gave me a singing voice though He didn't want me to be in showbiz after all. :) First and foremost, He knows I can't handle intrigues! hehe…No... Seriously, I believe I was given the knack (alright, the love...) for singing because I can very well utilize it in the classroom. I now not only sing to my heart's desire... I also dance to the kids' delight! I find myself every morning now singing the Star Spangled Banner the loudest, with feelings, and all the other kiddie songs while my audience (the kids) are having fun either by singing and dancing with me, or by just plainly watching me. What a great pleasure it is for me to see amazement on their faces! They may be really amused or probably they simply find me hilarious. For whatever reason it is, I’m just pleased that I am able to make their learning experience a lot of fun.

Most interesting of all, I can be a great mom while teaching... at least for practice! Being in-charge of a whole bunch of kids of different abilities, personalities and ethnicities, is no joke. It is definitely not an easy task. But, I’m enjoying every bit of it. There are indeed good and bad days, but it's just all in a day's work of a teacher. At the end of each day, all I can think of is how a certain student has improved, who did a good job or who just needs more of my motherly care. I am just delighted whenever someone tells me how good I am with children even if I don't have my own kids yet, and that they think that I’m going to be a great mom someday. I hope I’d be. I really am looking forward to having kids of my own. I know that all these will happen in God's perfect time. In the meantime, I need to find someone first to build my own family with. 'Guess that's the first step I have to take. Well, that may probably take time, especially in this field. Be that as it may, it doesn't make my passion for this profession any less. :j

Jinx

I hope I’m not.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend told me about his plans of proposing to his Pinay girlfriend. He will be flying to Canada, where she is working, to propose on her birthday. I asked him how he’s going to do it and even gave him an idea - how he could make it even more special. Since he speaks English and maybe a couple of other languages, but Filipino, I offered to translate what he was planning to tell his girlfriend to my native language, which he thought to be a great idea.

Fast forward...

He did propose to her last Saturday in a very special and I should say, unique way, as he described to me what transpired. He also successfully delivered his speech in Filipino, with, of course, a little bit of help from his cue cards. Anyway, long story short, she accepted and agreed to marry him.

I thought everything was perfect until I heard the three-letter but dreadful word “BUT”... You wouldn’t want to hear this teeny tiny word especially after so many positive things because this very seemingly small word could ruin just about everything.

Nevertheless, I was just expecting (and hoping for) a minor setback. After all, he seemed just fine when we were just starting to talk. However, what he said next shocked me...

He just broke up with her this morning, when he was at the airport, waiting for his flight back to NY. It was, well, believe it or not, the girlfriend’s fault.

I felt sorry for what happened. And somehow, illogical and funny as it may seem, I felt sorry too because I thought, maybe, just maybe, I was a jinx. Mine once failed and it gets me into thinking, ‘he shouldn’t have told me of his plans!’ I have my own story of a fairy tale gone bad you know.

I know! It doesn’t follow! Of course I’m not totally serious. I’m just playing! I know this is silly. But well, friends…maybe it wouldn’t hurt not to tell me when you’re planning to propose to your special someone. Don’t even ask for my help nor accept advice or suggestions from me. Please. Do yourself a favor. There’s no harm if you won’t. You don’t want to be jinxed, do you? : j

-July 27, 2009-

Just for laughs

I’m almost 28… and clumsy.

‘Guess you don’t just outgrow clumsiness. Haha

I remember some of the funny (but painful!) instances that I demonstrated my gracefulness, in all the glory of ITS REVERSE.

As far as I can recall, one instance happened when I was still a naïve and innocent looking, not to mention single (since birth!), office girl strutting my stuff along Ayala Avenue on my way to my workplace on 6788. I used to wear an above the knee, pencil-cut butt hugging (as if I had a butt like J.Lo’s!) skirt as a uniform. Can you imagine how dreadful it was for me (and for the other girls out there) to commute, chase after FX taxis and buses in Metro Manila, Mondays thru Thursdays. Oh how I just love Fridays! Anyway, the thing that happened to me didn’t come about while I was trying to catch a ride. It happened actually as soon as I alighted from the FX on Ayala Avenue cor. Paseo de Roxas. After getting off, I closed the door and the first and last thing I saw was an opening on the side of the road, then…BLAAAAG! I probably lost my balance, twisted my ankle, tripped and then fell to the ground. I had no idea what just happened to me! For one second I forgot who and where I was. But the moment I got back to my senses, I got up as quickly as I could, ignored my bleeding knees, and walked without looking back, as if nothing happened. Seriously, all that I was able to mutter to myself was, “kaya nyo yun?”

Next location, 6788 building. I was going to a client that day on my own. As always, I would wait for the company’s black Mercedes Benz car service (sosyal pa naman!) in the back entrance of the building. Walking out of the building full of poise and confidence, again, wearing my butt-hugging uniform and my 3-inch stiletto, I started to get down the stairs slowly and carefully. I wasn’t even on a rush so I just took my time. While getting down, I was actually asking myself, what if I fall down from here? What will I do? Will anyone help me? I wonder, it would be such a shame! No kidding, but I was actually thinking about that possibility during that time! And as if fate wanted to give me answers, can you guess what happened next? Yes, from the 3rd or 4th step (do you still expect me to remember?!) of a probably 10-step staircase, I fell aaaall the way down. It rocked my world big time! I just saw the guard running towards my direction. And even before he could help me, I was back on my feet. All that he was able to say was, “Ang bilis ni ma’am ah!” I just laughed, but deep inside I was soooooo embarrassed. Who wouldn’t be?

And last but not the least, who would have thought I can’t be clumsy in NY?! It actually just happened about an hour ago. I came home late, around 10:30 PM, and as usual, when I got off the bus, I started to search for my cellphone in my “sizeable” bag, just to be ready, in case. I was quite in a hurry because there were no other people on the street and I had to walk about 3 blocks. Then suddenly, KABLAG! I fell to the ground (again?!) and hurt my elbow, knees and my toes. Luckily, there was no wound! Just plain scratches. I was still holding on to my belongings, which were actually the first things that came to my mind... “oh, my laptop...my Nine West bag...I hope they didn’t have any scratch… hahaha (my 3-year old cellphone wasn’t much of a concern though). I was just relieved to see when I turned back that no one was following me, and no one actually saw me! I was even thankful that I have already passed by the house which I believe has a security camera, because it lights up on the outside whenever someone passes by. Otherwise, my bloopers would have been probably caught on cam!

Haaayyyy... I can only go back to these blunders and laugh at myself…

“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” ~Kurt Vonnegut

All Geared Up

It’s amazing how God works in mysterious but truly wonderful and beautiful ways. In life, we just have to entrust our life to Him and He will take charge of everything.­

No matter how strong, smart intelligent or capable we think we are, there will come a time that we will feel weak, unable and hopeless. Just recently, I felt I hit rock bottom. I found the strength and the willpower to rise above everything when I realized I just have to surrender everything to God. I do have faith in Him; but because of what I have already achieved in life and what I have become through the years, I sort of have that pride which prevents me from completely admitting that I do have weaknesses and that I may fail still in this journey called life. This seemed to be hard for me especially when people around me expect too much from me. I have created this wall that no one can see through me. All they see is the strong and able me.­

Being where I am right now brought me into the biggest realization I ever had. I felt depressed, stressed and almost a failure. I almost gave up my dreams and decided to just go back to the life I had before. It’s not that it’s dreadful or that unpleasant. It’s just harder than where I am right now, and going back to that, I feel, would make me give up some of what I think are far-fetched, but achievable dreams of mine. And should I decide to still pursue them would be quite a long and laborious journey.

The storm has passed, and I am just taking the drizzly weather in stride. I know that storms do come and go, but I know I can endure whatever it is that the seasons in my life would bring, especially when I am assured that God is there to provide me with a proper and complete gear all the time – may it be an umbrella on a rainy and stormy day, a thick jacket during the cold weather, or even boots to take the hard walk on snow during the winter season. Because through it all, God wants us, His children, to enjoy the beauty of the flowers and the trees that bloom in springtime, and the warmth and laughter that the sunshine brings in summer time.

Big 1

This was the very same day that I left the Philippines a year ago.

Even before I was able to set foot in the airport, it already dawned on me that things will never be the same again. Nothing was certain…nothing was clear. I left with nothing but hope and my deep prayers in hand.

For the first time, I was at the airport last year, not as a well-wisher, but the one being sent away. It was hard to leave because I would be leaving the life that I used to have for 27 years of my life. I would be thousands of miles away from my family and loved ones, indefinitely. I left everything behind to fulfill my so-called American dream. To add more drama into it, I got engaged in the middle of people lining up to get their passports and tickets checked at the entrance of the airport.

A year has just passed…

I’ve been through so many ups and downs.
I’ve been sick and well.
I went from engaged to being single.
I’ve been happy and sad.

But most important of all, I was blessed just tremendously. Let me count some of my blessings here:

I used to be jobless, but now, I have work even on weekends.

I went from tourist, to student, and soon, God-willingly, to working visa.

I have my very adorable, smart, and fun-loving, not to mention handsome nephew, Leon, who never fails to lift me up with his very contagious and jaw-locking smile and laughter.

Free board and lodging all this time in NY! Thanks to my sis and bro-in-law, from whom Leon inherited his good looks (ahem..)

I am able to help my family little by little. God also made me able to send Daf to school.

I am continuously improving myself in a lot of ways.

I am given the wonderful opportunity to experience life here in the so-called land of milk and honey, and see for myself if the grass is really greener here on this side.

And the list goes on and on and on... These and so much more are reasons enough to be grateful to the Lord.

"1" is such a big number for me.

There’s just so much in one... so much blessings in just one year.

I am a nurturer...

Link

Then and Now

Then: I wouldn’t give a damn cooking at home...mommy’s there anyway!
Now: I would turn off the tv just so I could learn from my sister’s cooking. I even cook on my own now!

Then: I’d do the laundry while surfing the net or watching tv
Now: I go to Laundromat and wait for the laundry to finish in an hour or two while sitting and listening repeatedly to the 6 songs uploaded in my cellphone

Then: Bobby or I would usually insist on washing the dishes after eating
Now: I miss to have someone who’d insist washing the dishes for me

Then: I didn’t have a sense of direction
Now: I’m developing this skill little by little with a little bit of help from my subway map

Then: I’d rather take the jeepney or tricycle even if my destination is just a few blocks away
Now: I’d rather walk than take the bus to my unknown and unfamiliar destinations for fear of missing the bus stop where I should get off

Then: I’d rather take the car and spend on gas than commute
Now: I’d rather commute not because it’s too hard to find a parking space, but because I don’t have a car!

Then: I couldn’t endure walking at shopping malls for more than an hour...my legs would hurt a lot!
Now: I could walk around malls for 6 long hours and feel no pain...even if I didn’t buy anything at all.

Then: I’d miss Bobby even after we’ve just parted
Now: I miss Bobby even after we’ve just chatted

Then: I am my own boss
Now: I am unwaged and in search of a job


It has only been 2 weeks and 6 days and a lot has changed already. Things do really happen for a purpose and I guess God has a lot in store for me here. There are ups and downs, but I am learning a lot being in a new place. Quite a short span of time has passed, but things have changed significantly. It was just like yesterday...I was just dreaming, planning and praying then... Now, I am trying to survive, live and fulfill this dream...this so-called “American dream”.